My name is Hiba, and I’m the first trans woman film maker in the Muslim world. I came to the UK in March 2021 after being forced to flee Pakistan. Even though I had to leave the country for my safety, it wasn’t easy, it was still my home. I left my soul, I left my friends, I left familiarity, my art, my language, my people. I left everything. 

Yet I had to flee because there is no way to be part of a safe, open LGBTQ+ community in Pakistan. It’s very risky to join any movement there; everything is hidden and secretive, people don’t share their sexuality with anyone. No-one trusts anyone; you can’t even be open on social media.  

I also began having problems because of my work. As a film maker, I was starting to ask awkward questions. I was giving marginalised people a voice and visibility in a country which doesn’t want to acknowledge them. Things became even more difficult when I came out as a trans woman. People began to threaten me, and physically and verbally attacked me. Then they started attacking my brother. Eventually, they killed him. When my mother was ill, they refused to treat her in the hospital because I was trans. It was unbearably painful. I knew I had to leave. 

“Slowly, I began to feel a little better… I began to realise that in the UK I had freedom, that I am a trans woman, that I am a woman!”

When I first came to the UK in 2021, I felt numb. I had been through so much in Pakistan, that I felt dead by the time I got to the UK. I was safer, but I was so unhappy. For the first 10 months I was extremely isolated. I sometimes spoke to people in my asylum hotel, but mostly I just locked myself away in my room. Eventually I went to a crisis team and got some therapy and support from a psychiatrist. They put me in touch with some charities, and I got clothes and shoes. Until then, I had nothing.  

Even in the UK I would get scared as soon as I saw or heard a police car, because of the trauma from what happens back in Pakistan – I thought they were coming for me to take me off the street, like they did there. I spoke to a doctor, and they comforted me that I was safe in the UK, that life was better for LGBT people here, and I should try not to worry. Slowly, I began to feel a little better. I had felt like an animal in Pakistan, but I began to realise in the UK that I had freedom, that I am a trans woman, that I am a woman! 

I got to know a few people in the asylum hotel. One was a Palestinian gay man from Gaza. He reached out to me, and we started going to English classes together. He told me he knew I was trans, and that we could be friends. He helped me live and feel better, he gave me confidence to walk out in the street. Through him I met other people in the asylum hotel, including a woman who volunteered for a charity. We became close very quickly and she is one of my best friends today. She really helped me feel more positive about life and told me about other charities which might be able to support me. 

“I went to my first Trans Pride in July 2022, and that’s where I met Rainbow Migration. There was such an atmosphere of love. That day Rainbow Migration became my family. It felt perfect.”

I went to my first Trans Pride in July 2022, and that’s where I met Rainbow Migration. I was so happy to meet Laurie, a Caseworker, who is one of the most incredible people I know! Straight away, I felt so much more confident. I loved meeting the trans service users from Rainbow Migration. People were coming up and taking photos and being so lovely and supportive. I gave some interviews and felt like a celebrity! I was so proud to wear cultural dress from Pakistan, and march with other trans people in public. I felt like a bird, I was flying, it was my freedom. It was even better than my birthday, or Christmas. There was such an atmosphere of love. That day Rainbow Migration became my family. It felt perfect. 

 

Part two of Hiba’s story coming soon!